From the bottom of my black heart

So, you may be used to me saying this, but I really like nudity. And living in Portland delivers on that. We famously have the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the US, a massive naked bike ride, and first amendment protection. But my latest adventure kept some clothes on. Even, to a certain extent, my own.

I went to my first burlesque show years ago, not at all sure what to expect. A seedy, poorly-lit dive bar with girls dancing in a creepy circle of creepy men wasn't a good first impression. The cheering was just as awkward and unpleasant as the silences.

My next show was much more upscale, there was even a stage! It was entirely geek-themed with video game cosplays and music that mixed difficult-level nostalgia with teenager angst. Then the clothing came off and Rule 34 was brought to life. I knew I'd found something worth following.

Since then, I've been to many shows, in different venues, with various themes. Portland has a true circuit that I've begun to tune into. Many of these performers are also part of Naked Girls Reading. I've come to enjoy the acts, getting to know the folks behind them bit by bit. But I've always felt that there was something lacking, that burlesque could be something bigger.

When I found out that the Suicide Girls were bringing a burlesque show to town, I knew I had to see it and that it was going to impress me.

The Suicide Girls got their start in Portland and I knew several of the early members by way of my job. I worked the graveyard shift at Plaid Pantry on the corner of Grand and Burnside, a black hole that sucked in ass holes each night like an airplane toilet. However, there were some jewels in the mix: strippers from the local clubs who were cute, smart, and talented. I never saw them naked until they told me about their web site. What can I say? I was a fan instantly.

The show was at the venerable Roseland Theater, where, in the past, I'd seen Weird Al among others. We arrived a little late, which meant the best seats were taken, a blessing in disguise. We managed to snag a spot in the second row, directly in front of the speakers. As the show got started though, we were invited to stand at the stage. Being so close, and willing to give up my seat, I immediately took advantage and was greatly spoiled as a reward.

The dance routines were epic: well choreographed, sexy, rocking, and entirely nerd approved. Subject matter covered included Game of Thrones, Dr Who, and Planet of the Apes. When one of the girls did Chell from Portal, she made a huge mess with a (cup)cake, that included her rubbing frosting down my face. It was delicious and moist.

The highlight of the night for me, if not for everyone else, was when they made a call for volunteers. They wanted three people who were willing to take off their clothes. I was right there at the stage and willing. I hoped up. The MC said, "Oh, you're just a self selector." Yes, yes I am. Better to ask forgiveness than permission. Two other girls joined me, the second was also a self started like me, and the last was picked from the crowd. Then the music started and the clothes came flying off. A winner was declared when boobs were liberated, and unfortunately mine did not count. I did get a prize though: a free year subscription to the website.

The show was everything I could have hoped it to be and I would greatly enjoy seeing more of this in Portland, brought to us by the Suicide Girls or anyone else willing to step up their game.

P.S. Boba Fett wins my (black)heart (and picture taking was encouraged!)

I'm a Maniac

So, summer is coming. And what does that mean? MUD RUNS!

This past weekend was the Rugged Maniac, my first of the season. I have four more planned, but I may add a fifth beyond that.

The RM was held at the Portland International Raceway. I was signed up for the first heat at 9 a.m. I like grabbing the early slots because the course isn't torn up yet from all the other runners. I had a friend who raced in a later match and learned a secondary reason to show up early: you avoid the lines at the obstacles, which can really eat into your finishing time.

And time is one thing I'm concerned with. I track my races at Athlinks, so I can compare my performance to others and most especially to myself, to see if my daily gym visits are really paying off. While there have been races that didn't have official timing, this was the first time I had to pay extra for the timing chip. This is a little sensor that tracks when you cross the start and then the end. You tie it into your shoe and it should stand the abuse. Most races, this is free if it is offered at all, so everybody gets one and you really get a sense of how everyone performed. With having to pay a bit extra ($10!), there were far fewer takers.

When I arrived, the sky was not looking too promising, and within five minutes it started to rain. The registration desks hadn't even opened yet. Bad omen? No such thing.

This race did have a nice feature that I haven't seen before. The start area was actually blocked off by a small wall, similar to those you would probably find peppered throughout the course. I thought they would be moving this once things got started. But nope, they called in the runners with instructions to scale the wall. It became a bit of a "You must be this athletic to run this course" kind of litmus test. I vaulted it pretty easily and was the first to do so. The announcer noticed and called out my bib number: instant fame (of a sort).

The thing I noticed first about the race was that we were at a race track, so the land was pretty level. I was guessing this would make the whole thing much easier. I would soon find this wasn't really the case. The first obstacle was a stream that ran across the course. It was about a three foot drop to the water and about six feet across. Some were climbing down into the water and out the other side. I went the path of the more adventurous and leapt across.

Next came some some short walls to toss ourselves over. This was quickly followed by a theme for this race: bleachers. There were two small sets placed back to back, forming a small pyramid to climb over. Throughout the race, much larger bleachers were encountered that we had to run up, across, and down. Nothing too taxing, but they were metal and we were covered by mud by this point, so the footing was treacherous.

Other obstacles included the tires in the classic football training arrangement, hanging from ropes in a cage that you have to crash through, and a hill of the things trying to suck you in or spill you out. Several trenches had been dug out, some we had to jump across in quick succession, others we had to crawl through. These crawl trenches were covered and pretty long, so the interior was pitch black. There was someone in front of me and I was able to keep tabs on them by the reflectors in their shoes. But suddenly these disappeared and I knew there was a turn in the tunnel. This slowed my down a bit as I didn't want to ram my face into a wall.

About two thirds of the way through the race I finally ran out of breath and had to slow down a bit. This cost me my target time. I was hoping to complete the race in thirty minutes flat. My final time was just over thirty-five minutes. Not bad, but on par with what I'd been racing last year, so it's hard to say that I had any improvement.

After the end of the race and showering off I jumped with the kids through the bounce castle and then took my first ride on a mechanical bull. Held on pretty long but the cost was my pinkie finger. Mashed it up pretty good, scrapping a good chunk of the knuckle off, and leaving it swollen for a couple days.

With the first mud run behind me, my Saturday was far from over. Next was the Portland Starlight Parade. I marched with the Portland Zombie Walk group. Dressed in my zombie best, we scared the kids and adults alike, all in good fun. We even had a set of zombie Disney Princesses. Before the parade, we were hanging out with a Mardi Gras band, the Grimm float (but I only knew a couple of the folks that were there), and the cheerleaders from PSU. There was much revelry (including me leading a crowd in the Chicken Dance).

What sort of summer adventures do you have planned?

Read to me

So, I love books. Like, far beyond my ability to read them. I have a huge library that is filled with equal parts those I've read and book intentions. I'm a slow reader that spends a great deal of my free time in social pursuits and a large range of hobbies. Finishing a novel within a month seems like a pretty good feat at this point.

But that doesn't prevent me from becoming excited when an author comes to town. It means one more book to buy, but I promise it's the next one I'll read. On the plus side I'll also get it autographed. Maybe a photo op, exchange some banter, and get some insight. The best part, though, is the reading.

There is a certain magic to reading a book, when you've sequestered yourself away from this world and enter into another. On the other hand, there is something far more special in being read to. I read most nights to William from many of my favorites: J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, and H. G. Wells to name but a few. It is a great chance to bond and geek out together.

And I really like to be read to as well. As you may imagine, by naked women is one of my favorites (which we just visited one again for satire and parody. And yes, I may reference this quite often). Other times I greatly enjoy hearing these works straight from the horses mouth.

One of the greatest things about Powell's Books stores is that they constantly have visiting authors and events. Here are some of the more memorable.

Chuck chucks a moose at me.

The first time I went to a Chuck Palahniuk reading, it was for his Portland guide book, and he taught me about Santa. The third time I saw him talk about the devil and romance. But it was the second time that was the most remarkable  As usual, he read an original short story for the tour. But before this he was asking quiz questions from his novels. Up to this point, I had only read one or two, so I wasn't up on this knowledge. Joy and I had taken up seats in the upper balcony area, but she sent me down to where everyone else was getting prizes. I stood in the aisle at the back when Chuck asked a question from Lullaby, a book I had recently finished. I enthusiastically raised my hand and jumped around like I had just been called down to join the Price is Right. I was picked, gave the correct answer, and ran up to collect my prize: an inflatable "moose" head, signed by and filled with the spittle of Mr. Palahniuk. The thing used to hang on my wall, a crazy conversation piece, but these days it just hides in the closet, waiting for a man cave to hang around in once again.

There have been several readings that I've gone to where I didn't really know much about the author, I was just familiar with some of their works, or those separated by a single degree. Such was the case with Eoin Colfer. I'd heard about the Artemis Fowl series, but never read any. But he was designated by the Douglas Adams estate to write a final chapter (the 6th in the trilogy) of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. I was handed a raffle ticket on arrival, which doubled as a line number for signing. Eoin turned out to be a very funny guy to listen to as he explained how he got to write this book and it made me quite excited to get to reading it. Then the raffle began. The first prize was a gift certificate to Powell's, which I didn't win. But I did get second place: the poster board of the book's cover. Way better that the first place win, as mine was unique (as far as anyone else there was concerned, no one else in my city is going to have one of these bad boys). The raffle prizes also came with a little "DON'T PANIC" hand towel and a book, the Guide to the Guide (which summarized the other books up until this release. I had Eoin sign everything but the towel).

I've also been to a fair number reading for Star Wars books. I'm not really a fan of the Expanded Universe, but the ideas still intrigue and excite. I was present for Star Wars books about zombies, planet crushers, and Ocean's 11. I was also there for the 30th anniversary, where there was a panel of authors from across the years discussing how the books have evolved in that time. Each of these events tends to draw out our local cosplay army.

Anybody else also attend such readings? Did your parents read bed time stories and give you long lasting, fond memories? Tell me about it in the comments below.

A whole city to discover

So, the year is full of these holidays which have traditions that get people to behave ways that would seem strange any other time of year. Halloween is my favorite. It asks us to dress in a fashion we normally couldn't get away with and others are only going to compliment us on our most hideous choices. People open their doors to complete strangers and then hand out candy with only a minimal threat. And it only gets better when you grow up because there are parties, alcohol, and women dressing as slutty possible.

At the other end of the year you have Easter, which has these strange practices: hide eggs and hope the kids can find them all before they rot (since the adults have likely already forgotten where they put them), surround yourself with bunnies, and eat candy until you're sick. Oh yeah, and Jesus or something.

But littered through the rest of the calendar are these really esoteric days. And the one that presented me with a small adventure recently was Columbus Day. And just what are you supposed to do on Columbus Day? Well, just what are we celebrating? Christopher Columbus sailed across the Atlantic, did not find what he was looking for, and was a total dick to the natives.

There really is only one thing you can do on Columbus Day to do it justice: dress like a pirate and go around "discovering" things that others already knew existed, "claim" them for King/Queen/Country, and leave a flag.

This was a small voyage of just a few intrepid adventurers along the shores of Burnside. We first landed in a quaint cove, exchanged banter with the wenches, and threatened to return. Next, we sailed across the alley to a small isle, where we were creeped-out by a Crispin Glover look-alike (to be fair, we also annoyed him by not buying anything, in true Columbus style). We rounded the corner to reveal a village of natives. Here we had the traditional Columbus Day drink: a cheap margarita. We then explored the caverns under a pink mountain and trekked  to a distant shore where we espied unveiled treasure chests. After a second tour of the big pink tunnels, we made our way to Haiti for some sugary delights.

Along the way, we left a trail of notices for future travelers:

• Finders keepers. - C. Columbus
• Let me explore you. - C. Columbus
• I saw it first. -C. Columbus

We may do this again next year, bigger, more organized, and with a better claim.

We didn't end our pirate adventures for the week though. The following Friday saw us with a group of scalawags to sing the night away with classic (and not so classic) shanties. The room had plenty of space, and liquor, which is important if you don't want to be pillaged (and if you do, it can be arranged).

Gorillas in the Midst of PDX

So, I've lived in Portland and it's environs for over a decade. Some may argue that it will take another two before I could really claim to be a proper citizen. But I like to think I've been somewhat naturalized by having a son born downtown or that I've at least been adopted by the local community. I've walked every street, drank at most of the bars, and tipped a fair share of the strippers.

There are various landmarks in the city, many of which I've learned the history of, climbed, and/or been married to. Rarely does such knowledge, talent, or relationship get tested or prove of much use. Unless you are the hosting a walking tour, the best you'll get is mild banter out of it. 

Yet a scavenger hunt can prove to be the best use of such trivia (except an all PDX episode of Jeopardy is produced). So when the offer to join the Gorilla Challenge came in, I knew I'd found a very special calling.

The basic premise here is that you are given clues to various locations around town, upon visiting those locations you must provide photo (sometimes video) evidence of having been there. And not just any photo, you have to be doing something slightly questionable. Additionally, there are some mandatory physical challenges to complete.

A team of at least two people is required to participate and costumes are encouraged. So I gathered together my wife Joy, our long time friend Atheana, and new racing buddy Bonnie. We decided to go with a wedding party theme for our group. Since I was the only male it was obvious I should be the bride. Bonnie played my husband (in a tutu), Atheana a bride's maid, and Joy was the flower girl. We went with the name "Wedding Crashers"

As for the challenge itself, all contestants met at the Rock Bottom Brewery, got signed in, had a drink or two, and waited for the start time. While we mingled through the crowd I got complemented on being such a beautify bride many times. We met Mark Eisnehart (past and future American Ninja Warrior participant and fitness guru) and was interviewed by Laddie Read (of Mainstreamed Media, a platform for the disabled to be a part of the press). After a review of the rules, we got things started, with a quick jog to the other end of the block to get our first clue sheet.

We quickly identified our first item which sent us up to the former ground-zero for the Occupy movement, there we had to have a picture of one of our team members picking up another member in front of the pioneer statue. Then it was up to Ira Keller falls for a three legged, four fisted gorilla crawl. This was the first of our physical challenges. The next was a YMCA dance-off against another team in the park. Then, for gross-out factor, we had to spray "fruit punch" into another team member's mouth so they could spit it in a cup. Turns out the fruit punch was actually red dye and vinegar (lucky me Atheana had volunteered to be our taster for this challenge).

Other photo/video scavenger items including singing and dancing like a lemur in front of Portland's most tourist happy location, the Chicken Dance by a building dedicated to a candy maker, acting like a gorilla outside a benefactor of the homeless, a mimed tug-of-war outside the guardians of history, and Marco Polo by the worlds smallest park. 

We covered miles of territory during the event, scavenged ten of the twelve possible challenges (we failed an eleventh), and completed the event after two hours. We didn't win one of the prizes, but better luck next time.

Grimm tidings

So, some time ago I spent a day in Estacada at an old lumber mill musing over a crime scene. Seems a federal agent had been murdered, so I was called in to take over the case from the local law enforcement. The hitch was they only needed two FBI agents and there were three of us on hand. I was odd man out.

But I just got a second chance. Once again there is a murder, an abandoned car our only clue, and I would be on hand to help.

This is how I returned to the set of Grimm.

We had a very early call time, forcing me to leave home long before I normally wake. I had to head out to the remote reaches of north Portland's industrial district. Actually, the Grimm studio is right down the street from where the Tomato Fight had occurred.

I was really excited because this time I would get to be a uniformed police officer. Last time I wore my own suit, trading in the suit jacket for the blue FBI field windbreaker. Both times I got a gun, but police have a utility belt which comes with "mace" (a live can of training mace), handcuffs (let the fun begin!), a radio with shoulder mic, and a telescoping beat stick. I played with all of my toys while waiting for filming to begin.

For the second time in my extras career, my "character" actually had a name. From the random grab bag of name tags I was given "Oster". That's Officer Oster to you.

Our group was composed of several cops, a couple detectives, and a few perps. We were filming on the main PDX police station set. I've never watched the show (although I nearly did once, which is almost a story of it's own), so I can't say what kind of action has taken place there, but I can tell you where this fictional police station sits within downtown Portland. Since the building is just an artificial set in a warehouse, the view outside the windows is a huge photo panorama. Pictured is what you'd see if you were standing outside Whole Foods Market looking south (on Burnside and NW 13th).

I wasn't working with Nick (David Giuntoli) and Hank (Russell Hornsby) this time around (but I did when I was an FBI agent, though they were rather stand-offish). However, I did have Sgt. Wu (Reggie Lee), and he's a really nice guy. We were just goofing off, trying to stay out of the way while the crew set up the lighting for the scene. We were joined by Captain Renard (Sasha Roiz), all of us checking the doughnut box for treats (unfortunately, there were none).

When this episode airs, I'll probably just be this blur way in the background, as the scene takes place inside the Captain's office while the rest of us are out in the main area. When it came time for filming, my job was to get some coffee. I got a surprise here. Unlike the doughnut box, the coffee machine was not empty. It was full of nightmare. A horrific black sludge, probably made by Cthulhu the last time the stars aligned, poured into my prop cup. The rest of that coffee table was just as scary. There was a half empty cup of joe behind the machine that was hosting its own little evolution experiment.

We did the scene many times and then headed back to base camp. Most of us changed into street clothes for the next scene. We were taken down to Union Station to act as passengers coming off the train. Obviously, our ride was interrupted by a freight train blocking the back road we were on to get between the studio and the station. When the train came to a complete stop several minutes later, still holding us up, we decided to take another route. Once on location, I was paired with a woman and we were to be a couple arriving from St. Louis. We were asked to improvise our story, so I soon became her whipped boyfriend.

It's a difficult thing to maintain control of a public space, especially one where there is constant in and out traffic. We closed off part of the street and part of the sidewalk, but people continually tried to walk through, or become gawkers while on camera. The cool bit was when an Amish family came out of the station in time to be in the background of our final take. I just image trying to explain what we were doing to them.

After we finished, we piled into the van to return to home base, catching a ride with Reggie who thanked us for our help.

That was the end though, a short day overall. The biggest disappointment being that they didn't feed us!